Rocked to the core…

Evelyn Alexander
Contributor to “Share YOUR Story” page   |   
I came to personally know and serve the Lord as a child while still in grade school.  But as an adult, even though I was a strong Christian, and a leader in my church, a combination of people’s failures and actions, and the hard circumstances of life, caused my Faith, trust, and belief in God to be rocked to the core.  I broke. I can still remember clearly when it happened. It literally felt like something snapped in me–like a spring that had been wound too tight and suddenly let go.

I felt betrayed and let down by God and those who claimed the name, “Christian.”  Later I came to realize I had arrived at a life-changing crossroad.  I had a breakdown so severe it seriously impacted me physically, emotionally and spiritually, and couldn’t even function enough to care for my family.  I experienced what it meant to be a, “basket case”.

I knew instinctively i could not continue going forward on the path I was on. But my hurt and pain with all things “God” went deep.  So I was confronted with a critical choice:  do I turn one way and grudgingly recommit myself to follow Christ in spite of feeling betrayed by Him?  Or do I turn in the opposite direction, calling it quits on God and the Church, putting Christ behind me and just living life wherever it takes me?

Thankfully to make the choice I found myself confronted with some critical basic questions: “Did I still believe God exists?”  (Now I realize it was God helping me work through the trauma.)  I dug deep to be honest with myself before realizing the answer was a solid, “Yes.”  Then I sensed the important question, “Do you believe God can lie?” Again I dug deep to answer the question and soon realized I truly did believe He either could not or would not lie!

With that answer I instinctively knew the problem lay somehow with me, not God, and knew I needed to go back to “Square One” in my Christian faith.  I desperately needed to discover who God REALLY is and what HE has promised and shown us about Himself and following Him—not what I had mistakenly grown to believe, expect or imagine them as being.

But I still remained very angry with God for I felt he had deeply violated my trust.  I was in turmoil.

I no longer wanted to put my faith and trust in a God I could no longer trust, yet I also knew what the alternative meant if I did not—and most definitely didn’t want that either!  At my turning point I had basically cried, “Uncle” with God, and literally through gritted teeth told Him, “OK. I will serve you—but only because you’re bigger than I am!”  God saw my heart.  He knew I wasn’t being disrespectful; I was being brutally honest with myself AND Him.  And that was enough for our merciful heavenly Father, for according to His Word, “the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom.”  I had just taken my first baby step on what was to be a long road to spiritual healing.

Later while listening to Dr. Dobson on one of his radio broadcasts, he described the emotional trauma a person often experiences when they’ve been sexually violated—how they will often (wrongly or rightfully) direct their anger toward one they believe could have stopped or prevented the attack, but did not. They would then have to confront those feelings of betrayal and distrust if they were to fully recover from the assault.  His words struck like a flash of light.  That was exactly how I had been feeling about God! I had been directing my anger toward the Father for I had trusted Him to always protect me, but felt He had failed to do so… yet He could have.

It was then that my many years journey to healing and restoration began. But thankfully not to what I was before. God was regrowing me into something much better!

“The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom,” became very real to me that memorable day.  And I marvel at where this “new life in Christ” continues to take me.

I agree. Life (and, yes, people too) can truly be the pits at times!  And we may not always understand God’s way of doing things, nor why he allows certain things to happen to us in this world; but we can truly trust and know that through the ever-changing challenges and blessings of life, HE knows what He’s doing and allowing. It has purpose.  And that will never change.  He remains forever the same:  Like the litany says, “God is good… all the time.”  And then the reverse, “All the time… God is good.”

My stability is now possible for I finally anchored my life on it.

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